


Not Cursed

by flipflop_diva



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Harry Potter Setting, Curses, Gen, Professors
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-02
Updated: 2019-09-02
Packaged: 2020-10-05 11:34:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20488226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flipflop_diva/pseuds/flipflop_diva
Summary: Jake gets a new job. It may or may not be cursed.





	Not Cursed

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Netgirl_y2k](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Netgirl_y2k/gifts).

“And so, you see, Mr. Peralta …” Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Professor Holt, gazed solemnly at Jake, making him feel a little like he can had been called to his office behind the moving staircase to be told in a disapproving voice that he had really done it this time and his parents were to be notified by Owl Post. “ ,,,, That is why I would like to welcome you as the new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor.”

Jake coughed. And blinked. “What?” he managed, the words barely escaping.

“Classes, as you are aware,” Holt continued, unmoved or unaware of Jake’s reaction, “begin Monday. The first of September.”

Jake shook his head. He wasn’t sure about this. He thought Professor Holt had tracked him down in the Leaky Cauldron because he had connections to the head of the Aurors — after all, it was known all around town that Professor Holt and that Harry Potter, who was in charge of hiring, knew each other back in the day — and here was to tell Jake how he had recommended him to be an Auror as he was the best student Holt had ever had. Or a hundredth best. Something like that.

But to teach at the school instead? And not take the Auror exam in a few weeks? And Defense Against the Dark Arts? Really?

“Yeahhhhhhhh.” Jake drew the word out. “I heard the last three professors all died or something.”

“The position is not cursed,” Holt has promptly.

“The position is cursed?!?!” Okay, so Jake hadn’t even thought about that. What the heck?

“The position is not cursed,” Holt said.

“Why would you tell me it’s not cursed unless it’s cursed?!?!”

“The position is not cursed.”

“Am I going to die?” Jake stared in horror at Professor Holt and then gasped. “Do you want me to die?” Now his eyes widened as a thought grew inside him. “Or ….. you want me to prove that the Defense Against the Dark Arts job is _not_ cursed!”

“The position is not cursed.”

“You want me to use my Auror skills to track down what is happening with the job and stop it and reverse the curse!”

“The position is not cursed.”

“Of course I’ll take the cursed job!” Jake said, standing and pounding his fist on the table.

““The position is not cursed,” Holt said.

“You’re right it’s cursed,” Jake agreed with him. “And I will see you Monday!”

“Yes,” said Holt. “I will see you Monday.”

•••

“I heard your position is cursed.”

Professor Amy Santiago, the Hogwarts Arithmancy instructor, leaned over to Jake to whisper in his ear. Jake had had the unpleasant fortune to have been at Hogwarts himself with Amy. Unfortunate because no one else had ever been able to get a word in back then, what with Amy always having read every single book before the school even opened. 

“It’s not cursed,” Jake whispered back. “It’s just been struck with tragedy for the last few years.” 

“Right, I heard it’s been cursed.”

“It has definitely been cursed,” said a dreamy voice to his right. Jake turned his head. Professor Gina Linetti, of Divination, had a crystal ball set out in front of her up at the staff table as they all awaited the students’ arrival from the Hogsmeade Express and she was making odd little gestures with her hands all around it, as if she was expecting the ball to talk to her.

Jake stared at her and then at her crystal ball. “What are you doing?”

“Determining if you will make it through the year,” Professor Linetti said, in that same dreamy voice, as if she had just told him that she was trying to decide what to have for dinner. Jake frowned at her.

“The position is not cursed,” he said. “I’m going to prove it by finding what is really behind the tragedies of the Defense Against the Dark Arts position.”

“A curse,” said Professor Santiago from his left. 

“A curse that will strike again and again until no one will ever take the job and Defense Against the Dark Arts will cease to exist,” said Gina dreamily, still waving at her crystal ball.

Jake leaned over, almost touching his head to Gina’s, trying to see if he could see into her crystal ball, but it just looked white and smoky to him.

“You are in my aura,” Gina said.

“The position is not cursed,” Jake said.

“The position is totally cursed.” 

The three of them looked up at the sound of a new voice. Professor Rosa Diaz, Transfiguration professor, suddenly stood in front of them.

Jake frowned at her. “I thought you didn’t believe in things like curses and bad luck,” he said.

“I don’t,” Rosa said. “There are no such thing as curses. Except this curse. This curse is real.”

“It is not a real curse.”

“Of course it’s a real curse,” Amy said. She lowered her voice dramatically. “The last three people have ….” She paused, looking around, either for dramatic effect or because she thought the last three people were going to pop up in front of them, Jake wasn’t sure. “…. died.” 

“One guy was two hundred and twelve years old,” Jake said. “That was old age.”

“It was not his time,” Gina intoned beside him.

“The second lady … okay, it was a bit unfortunate to be run over by the Knight Bus but things happen. Those drivers are _caaaaaa-raaaaaazy_, am I right?”

“She was in her living room,” Rosa said flatly.

“Exactly why the drivers are considered crazy,” Jake said. “And the last guy … I mean, everyone knows you don’t eat strange items.”

“It was a chocolate frog,” Amy said.

“A _poisoned_ chocolate frog!” Jake said. “Which you don’t eat!” He looked around at all three of them. “It could have happened to anyone.”

“But it didn’t,” said Amy. “The positioned is cursed.”

“Cuuuuuuuursed,” said Gina.

“Definitely cursed,” said Rosa.

“Not cursed,” Jake said, and he decided he would show them. By not dying!

His smile faded.

It wasn’t cursed, right?


End file.
